Today my baby son Harry should be born. How every bone in my body aches for him. How I wish that we were lying together in a bed staring in wonder and amazement at each other, feeling a love so intense and full and complete that nothing on this earth could ever compare. I miss him and what shoud have been every single second of my life. I held your beautiful big brother's hand last night as he slept and cried for him too. He would be the best big brother in the world. He is so kind, so much fun and so protective. Thank god I have him. But I oh so wish that you had him too.
Most days I smile, remember how lucky I am and try to count every blessing I have. But today I am sad. I miss you more than anything on this earth and I want to scream at everyone I meet.
I should be having MY baby today. I shouldn't be HERE. I should be with MY baby. Loving you, cuddling and caressing you.
Watching your head bob up and down searching for my breast, seeing those beautiful eyes taking in their first glimpses of life. Smelling that incredible overwhelming smell of you. So full of excitement at every moment that I never want a day to end.
But all I have of you is the memory of your perfect but lifeless body. Here but not here. Your tiny fingers, your tiny bottom and a million questions that I will never have an answer to. What colour would your hair have been? Would you look like your brother? Would you sleep well? Would you cry much? What food would you like? Would you be cheeky like your brother? Why why why why why did you have to leave me. All I ever wanted was to be your mummy.
I will always love you.
xxx
xxxxx
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