You can't win with me

If you say to me " How are you going?" with such sympathy and meaning in your voice.
I reply "I'm fine" and brush you off,
because to talk about my loss with you today is just too painful.

If you see me and don't mention the loss that is consuming my thoughts,
I think you don't care enough, or are too scared to mention it
for fear that you might upset me.
You can't win with me.

If you say "I'm sorry your baby died," it is hard for me to reply to that.
What do you expect me to say?
I want to say "I'm sorry too!" or "It's awful"
I want to scream "its not fair"
But I won't because I don't want to upset myself today, not in front of you.

So I reply "Thank-you".

That thanks means so much more than that.
It means thanks for caring, thanks for trying to help, thanks for realising that I'm still in pain.

If you don't know what to say to me that's okay because I don't know what to say to you either.
If you see me smile or laugh don't assume I must have forgotten my baby for the moment,
I haven't, I can't, I never will.

Tell me that I look good today.
I will know what you mean
I'm getting good at picking up unspoken cues from you.
If you see me and think I look upset or sad, you are probably right.
Today might be an anniversary day for me,
or some event might have triggered a wave of grief in me.

If you don't say anything I'll think you don't care about me,
but if you do say something, it might make me feel worse.
You could try asking if I want to talk, but don't be surprised if I say no.
You can't win with me.

Don't give up on me, please don't give up.
I need your attempts however feeble, however trite you might feel they are
I need your thoughts.
I need your prayers.
I need your love.
I need your persistence.

I need all that but most of all I need to be treated normally,
like it used to be before all this happened.

But I know its impossible.
That carefree, naive person is gone forever,
and I am mourning that loss too.
So you can't win with me.

Written by Jane Warland 1996

Regaining the plot..

So, we are now very proud allotment owners!  This is certainly going to keep me very busy and it does just help ease the pain a little. I hope Harry is looking down and feeling proud of his mummy grafting away.  There is SO much to do and it is a little overwhelming but I am learning so much every day. With the help and never ending knowledge of Patty we have marked out our beds, planned the crops and planted lots of seedlings.  Now for lots and lots and lots of digging in of manure, making up some stands for the Greenhouse (hubby) and fingers crossed drooling over some beautiful seedlings in a few weeks!

Live for TODAY.....

We are off to pick our allotment plot - lots more to come!! 

Live life, remember always.

It is now 2 days since Harry's funeral, which was a lovely sad sad day.  I carried him in his beautiful casket in the car on his last journey - holding your child for the last time in your lifetime is something I pray to god that I never have to go through again. Harry said goodbye in his own way - shining the sun on my face as the curtain drew.  I will keep that warmth of that sun in my heart for always. I will love you forever my precious boy. 

We had a couple of days before the funeral in Norfolk with my angel of a big sister and played on Holkham Beach where I spent so much time with my sisters as a little girl. George loved it.  From now on it is time to keep my promise to myself and to Harry. To be happy, to enjoy the moment and to make myself and my boys proud. 

For Our Harry Hope

Night night sleep tight, our sweet sweet baby
Oh how I wish for what could have been, maybe, maybe, maybe
Hair black or blonde, eyes brown or blue
Who really cares, we only wanted you.


To love you, to feed you, to cuddle you and to play
To watch you grow, and start and end every day
To hold your hand and kiss your bruise
Wait excitedly every day, to hear all your news.


But we'll have to settle for our short special time
And treasured memories of Daddy's and mine
Of your ten tiny toes and tummy so round
How we caressed and kissed you - only perfection to be found.


We are so thankful to have held your tiny hand
To have told you how much we love and miss you, time and time again
We'll take comfort for your life of love, peace and sleep
Although sometimes it hurts to breath as we weep, and weep, and weep.

But we promised you that we'd be strong and yes we'll do our best
For now our little angel, it's time for you to rest
Our beautiful second son Harry Hope Greer
Stay close to your mummy and daddy, for we'll always keep you near.


Please god, don't take any more of my angels.

Our sleeping baby boy

On Friday 25th of February my world collapsed again. We went for a routine scan, all excited, with George in tow, patiently waiting to hear our beautiful baby's heartbeat. Sadly that wait will last for all eternity.

Our precious baby that we had longed for and loved so much was no longer on this earth.

I spent the next hour in my own, in shock, in total and utter disbelief.  How could this happen again? How? How? How? Why me? Why me? Why me? The only thing in the world I have ever ever wanted loved and felt fulfilled doing is motherhood. I was empty again.

On my Monday 28th February I calmly and lovingly birthed my beautiful baby boy, Harold (after my lovely Grandad)(Harry) Hope Greer and we spent a precious couple of hours loving, adoring and kissing every part of his fragile and oh so tiny body. I am so grateful that a dreaded day turned out to be so special with memories that will be forever cherished. We talked and talked and talked and caressed his little body, telling him all about his mummy, daddy brother and all those that love him. I know he could hear us and I know he knows that he couldn't have been more adored by his mummy and daddy. We had a beautiful blessing service and have entrusted him to god and the universe. I just hope, pray and beg that God doesn't take any more of my precious children.

The worst possible thing has happened to me and I never dreamt I could find the strength to survive and remember with love the loss of my precious baby boy. But I can still smile for moments and minutes every day, marvel at my amazing son George and remember holding the hand of my precious son Harry. I so hope that never chnages and I am going to seek help to keep me on the straight and narrow. Harry Hope - Never to be forgotten. Too beautiful for this earth and now, I pray, shining down on us all from heaven. He was just so perfect. His little mouth yearning for a million kisses, his perfect rounded tummy, his teeny tiny bottom and ten twinkling toes. Most of all will remember his tiny hands that I held for as long as possible, not long enough, never crossing a road, never kissing a graze, but long enough to feel enough love for a lifetime.

Harry Hope, my son, I will love you, think of you and be grateful for our special time together for always. We miss you so so very much that at times it is too much to bear, too painful to breath, but somehow we will go on, with extra love in our hearts. Thank you, we were blessed to meet you, our perfect son, who will only ever know love and peace.

Harry Hope Greer

Little Snowdrop
The world may never notice if a Snowdrop doesn 't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon,
But every life that ever forms or even comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way for all eternity.
The little one we longed for was swiftly here and gone,
But the love that was then planted is a light that still shines on,
And though our arms are empty our hearts know what to do,
Every beating of our hearts says that we love you.

 

Gone too soon

This was a life that hardly begun
no time to find your place in the sun
no time to do all you could have done
but we loved you enough for a lifetime

No time to enjoy the world and its wealth
No time to take life down off the shelf
no time to sing the song of yourself
though you had enough love for a lifetime

Those who live long endure sadness and tears
but you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
no betrayel, no anger
no hatred, no fears
Just love, only love in your lifetime.