Back to now

Wow, it's been a while. I wasn't intending to ressurect a bit of blogging tonight.  In fact, the thought just came to me a short while ago as I was clearing up the carnage of our simple pasta tea tonight.  A mostly eaten bowl of pasta with mess all around in George's place, toys all around Ruby's very space age high chair and a crumpled yoghurt pot from which Ruby was lustfully taking her first licks of food just a couple of hours earlier.  A spiderman costume crumpled in the doorway and a surprisingly large amount of washing up from a very simple pasta tea.

I realised, with more than a little emotion, (and perhaps helped by Radio 2s lovely country music playing in the background), that each small piece of 'mess' is attached to a glorious picture in my mind: The twinkle in Ruby's eye as she licked the yoghurt from my finger, the look of utter joy in George's face as he charged around in his new spiderman costume (couldn't resist - £10 in Tesco today!).  Exactly the type of things that I so wanted to use this diary blog for when I originally started it nearly 2 years ago.  With the loss of Harry it turned to be more of a therapy and now I kind of feel like it's come full circle.

I caught a glimpse of myself holding Ruby today as she was 'helping' me put the washing away. I.e too tired to be put down.  I had to stop and look again.  Am I really this lucky? Is this actuially my daughter? I'm still not sure it has actually sunk in and I am so ridiculously neurotic about her.  Maybe my anxiety will lessen when it completely sinks in that we finally got there, I really do have this gorgeous wonderous daughter who is actually mine. 

Looking at the remnants of our day in the kitchen around me helps me to realise that this is real. This is the life I have been praying for. I know how incredibly blessed I am and in lots of ways I have the tough times to thank for that.  So, I'm back to living the moment, trying to cling to every second. Tonight, I was rushing George a little with his tea as I knew Ruby was getting tired. sometimes it has to be done but where possible I try to rush nothing. Let moments unfold and enjoy each one. Life is no longer about my next period or next ovulation, I can still starkly remember that time which I think helps me all the more appreciate the beauty of the moment.

I've been photographing some friend's children for them and in the same way, I hope that helps others stay in the moments that are so quickly gone. Just got to keep on living, loving and laughing. Thank you, for whoever is looking down on me right now, thank you.

Thousands of photos to sort out but here are a couple from my phone this week and some pics that I have taken for friends lately.