Moments

It's so strange how moments are so different. One minute so joyous the next so different. So different. I've been struggling with the happy moments lately. Life is blessed with so many beautiful moments yet mine seemed fringed with sadness and worry.  Worry of losing another angel, worry of not conceiving another angel. Worry of losing me again. I'm trying hard. So hard. Maybe too hard. The pain beats me down sometimes, I struggle not to cry, not to feel envy and to keep that smile going. I can stay true to my promise to Harry that I will try to be happy. Sometimes trying isn't enough.  I miss all my lost angels with such pain that every bone in my body aches. 

I want to bottle my baby who is now a 'big boy' by his own admission but certainly not mine, although I adore to see the person that he is becoming.  George went on his first pony ride yesterday and I was mildly devastated that he wanted to go off on his own and not with his mummy by his side.  I'd have lost the bet on that one.