My Angel's Special Day

 


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This time a year ago I was on my way into hospital to give birth to my very beautiful baby boy Harry.  I have so much to be grateful to him for. If it weren't for him I would have no idea of my own inner strength. He made me realise what is truly important in life and all the things to be grateful for.  Yes, the day I found out that his heart had stopped beating was the absolute worst and saddest day that I could never put it into words.  I remember hearing those words on the sonographer's table, "I'm so sorry Mrs Greer" and I knew that I only had two options. To make myself stronger or crumble.  I crumbled.  But hours later I walked in my front door, looked at my beautiful son and held him and laughed and played with him and cooked him dinner and laid with him as he fell asleep and knew that I was so god damn lucky to have him and that I would do anything I could to make our family the happiest that we could possibly be. 

But anniversaries are always tough times, it is hard not to glance at the clock and think, '... this time a year ago... '.  I lay in bed last night and remembered how much I loved the dark and bed time in those hard times. That's when I could pretend that everything was OK, that I was safe from any harm. That my baby was still alive. I didn't have to try quite so hard.

I hope that losing my boy is the hardest thing that I ever have to go through but I also hope that I never forget those beautiful fingers and toes and every way that he has enriched my life on that day we had our special time with him and all the moments since.  I am so indescribably grateful for the miracle of my pregnancy now and I know that this baby could never be more loved. I still have moments of weakness and anxiety but I have to believe that this baby is meant to be, that everything will be OK. I'm kind of getting better at that too.

Today I hope that I can take another step forward as we scatter Harry's ashes, something I didn't know that I would ever be able to do, but something that will be special, to let him fly but never far from my heart. He'll be remembered in his brothers and sisters and all the veggies that are about to get growing in the allotment which he inspired and shines down on. 

My special angel who will always bring life onto earth.